me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
You Might Also Like
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.