News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
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Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
[eats all your cotton candy]
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”