According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
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“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!