My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
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What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.