Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
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Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)