You deplete me
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I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG