Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
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her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.