I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
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If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”