Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
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Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now