CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
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Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”