I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
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just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
Pandas 🐼🖤
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
Always leave them wanting their money back.
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.