if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
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The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
Money is the root of all wealth
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.