I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
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A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with