I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
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Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.