she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
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Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
Just how popey was the pope today?
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.