I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
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First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him