[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
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100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
Yes, but it was never about money
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
those birds must be on payroll
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.