I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
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Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
No. YOU-buprofen.