i really liked this one
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It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal