EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
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Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.