19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
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8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
Shoo shoo! 😂
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
#Caturday
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.