Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
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aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.