I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
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Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
Jurassic park gets weird
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.