Every time my phone rings
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Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.