*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
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It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
Born to be mild.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.