interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
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Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
welcome back
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
Can. I. Help. You.
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.