no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
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“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
adding to the discourse
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.