Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
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The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years