Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
You Might Also Like
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.