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You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.