If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
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Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
This is true.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick