It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
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I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing