My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
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“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
he’s doing your taxes
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.