Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
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Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.