As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
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(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes