I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
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Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.