I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
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When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
can’t wait til they legalize outside
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
nice challenge
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time