Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
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Tell the colonel to bring it
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).