Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
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Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
everyone’s a critic
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?