The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
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The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey