1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
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Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
White Castle for the Win
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.