found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
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Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
Auto correct is my worst enema.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie