“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
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that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
are there any atheist mantises?
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.