[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
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I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
My zodiac sign is pistachio
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.