Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
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I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!