Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
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Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
*puts words between two asterisks*
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.