*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
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I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
motivation
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
HR said no more nunchucks.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps