When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
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SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again