My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
You Might Also Like
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
#math
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.