Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
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What a year we’ve had this week.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
Always a housemaid, never a house.
Wait a minute
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
Ken is short for chicken
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?